An appropriate ending

I'm having a hard time with this. I kinda suck...I think that this is too much of a diary. It's funny cuz sometimes I think Hmmm I should write about this in my blog and then I get home and ask...why? I figure it's much like my reasoning for not really talking to people about stuff...in my world when I complain, or explain what's going on in my view I always feel like I'm complaining. However when other people do it I feel that it's necessary and I love to listen because I want to help. So I decided to take a new approach to this whole blogging thing. I started logging on it to do more creative writing, but my head is all over the place and I never finish a story or a thought really. Let's face it if I was to write in this blog it would be filled with love, mystery and enchantment. Oh for example, there was this boy once who.......

Friends

Imagine if you will all your friends. Not the ones that you have that you occasionally talk to, I mean the ones that you can wait maybe a day or two to talk to them again. The one's that you text first in the morning. Almost like your other half.

Now, chew on this. There's one of those kind of friends that have the same qualities as that above that when you're upset you talk to. And most of the time they listen. If anything they say the "uh-huh" and "I understand" at the right time. There's that occasional time when you wonder if they're even listening or processing any of what they say. Then, when you finally fall silent they say what you need to hear. Not necessarily what you WANT to hear, but what you NEED to hear. Sometimes, that sucks. You don't want to admit that they're right, but you have to step back and realize that they are taking an outside opinion. However, they are still biased. Now if they're you're really good friend they are more than likely on your side.

It's easy to be the one doing the talking I've discovered. The listening is easy but when you don't get to say what you need to so that the other person can hear what they need to hear. It's even harder when you realize that you can't necessarily give them what they need to hear because that would mean losing part of yourself in the process.

A Broken Promise

So I've recently made a mistake. Broke a promise. The kind of pain that eats away at one's heart when they make such a mistake as this is very painful. I can literally feel it eating away at my heart, mind and soul. The only thing I can think of is admitting to the person/s that I made this promise to and tell them the I've broken it. One thing that I used to pride myself on is following instructions and doing what I was told. Normally, I ask no questions, I just do it. And maybe it was from increased stress, and being completely overwhelmed that I decided to rebel. The sad thing is, I wasn't rebelling against the person/s I made the promise to. I was rebelling against a certain member/s of my family. To not be under his thumb anymore. To be my own person and make my own decisions and mistakes...to learn from them. But this mistake...is too intense. Too much to take on. I too hard to admit. I asked what should I do about my overwhelming amount of stress and someone told me to relax and breathe. Maybe the consequences wont be what I fear. I just need to relax for now. So think of me in your prayers. Give me the strength for patience and relaxation. Thanks!

Crying over Spilt Milk

The saying, "No use crying over spilt milk" made somewhat of an impression on me. Originally, I thought, well stuff happens and there's no use crying or getting angry at the the situation. Suck it up and keep going. Recently, I was in a "relationship" of sorts and it came to an end. I knew that there was something that was missing when I couldn't bring myself to cry even a little bit. I was upset don't get me wrong but crying was not what I wanted to do. I've watched the sobbing of other girls and I didn't want to be one of them. Coping method? Ahh...I'd love for it to be a relationship that I share simultaneously with two men; a Mr. Ben and a Mr. Jerry, however it is not. I'm coping by sharing this with you, sorry! LOL

David's Sunflower Seeds

Uh...so I was at walmart the other day and found a huge bag of David Sunflower Seeds for a dollar. At first I wondered who would buy that huge bag? Then realized...Me...I would...and here's my motivation:

I love old people. The stories they tell. The experiences they've had...and lets face it I'll be one one day. However, we need to seriously consider limitations. I.E. DRIVING! That's the major problem. I mean let's face it a lot of accidents are due to elderly drivers. I was almost in one. If I had not been paying attention I would have been forced off the bridge and flipped over.

So now you're wondering, where did the sunflower seeds come in? Uh...I've been eating them instead of yelling at the dumb drivers who happen to continously be elder drivers. Should we set an age limit on drivers? Or should they have a test that they take at a certain age to determine if they should/could drive?

Arive Alive

Yesterday on my way to work I noticed that there was a lot of construction. This time the signs that flashed with their little yellow bulbs saying, "Arive Alive". It was in reference to sober grad night for the high school-ers. I couldn't stop laughing because these kids just graduated from high school and the people who are congratulating them in a sense couldn't spell "arrive." So here's what I'm saying to California and the rest of the U.S. who decide where our tax paying money needs to go to. To the schools!!! Funding for the schools is important! Cutting back on expenses is necessary for now. However, schools hold the future of America. So why are we preventing students from learning by closing college courses, and raising parking passes as well as books and food?

Actually...

Today I found out something about myself. Well to be fair I already knew this but I chose to ignore it. Why? Because the consequences weren't beneficial nor did they hurt me in any way. What I missed is that essentially it did hurt me. It wasn't physical bruising, it was a mental thing. So now, today, I'm planning to take a stand and stop it. I will no longer let people walk all over me. I guess it's my fault anyway because when you have the inability to make a decision it sends the message out that this is someone that needs their hand held throughout life. Well I don't. No I can't make the decision if I want chicken or beef. No I don't know what I want for dinner, and no I don't know where I want to go when we go out. (Um...by the way...if you ask me out you should KNOW what we're going to be doing.) I know what you're wondering, "Amanda, why did you decide that now? Why not earlier/later?" Well I may not know my job exactly perfect yet but I do know the customer part. A lot of customers were jerks today but overall this one just sent me over the edge. When he refused to do his part of the initial paperwork and proceeded to tell me why in a very unmistakably rude way I just grabbed the paper and said thank you, and walked away while he continued talking to me. I was later told by my coworker the proper answer (because he was being a jerk) which was a great response...and I kinda wished he was there whispering that in my ear lol. Some of you may think that I handled it pretty well but just walking away but in doing so I believe it showed submission and allowed him to "bully" me in a sense to allow him to do what he wanted rather than what was right.

I've been in customer service for a while. One of my favorite things that a friend told me is to use the word "Actually" it is the polite way to say. You're Wrong!

Actually, the reason why you couldn't find that book is because it was written by soandso.

Actually, if you don't sign this paper we can't work on your car.

Hope that helps anyone else who deal with difficult customers :)

Shout Outs

Um...after reading a lot of my cousin's blogs I feel slightly retarted (yes I know that technically I spelled that wrong but hear me out; the way I spell it simply implies that I have the same mental capacity (on this subject) but I still remain fully respectful to those who are actually retarded and have this disability).
What I'm saying is that thier stuff has more umph...stuff...you know. Like stuff that is relevant. However that wont stop me from my random ramblings:

Jake!!!! Why aren't you reading my other blog/story? HMMMMM????? Gosh ;) (um..haven't really written much lol <3 )

Joel...How come I never hear from you bud? Pal? Chief? ;)

yeah...sorry ya'll are the only two I'm picking on right now...cuz (shhhh no telling...you're my favorite)

Random stuff :)

I have nothing special to vent...or talk...or whatever about...So...new job...kinda amazing. LOVE it in other words. Different kind of stress but the kind I can handle and that I use to produce excellent work :) P.S. I'm the only girl that works there ;) haha you know what that means? My mom says I like it cuz I get a lot of attention. HAHA I do! So since most of them are married I kinda get treated like the little sister...which works cuz pretty sure I get lunch purchased for me...haha. Awwww.

Oh...and one of my friends moved away. She moved to N. Carolina. To start over and get back on her feet. I'm happy for her...but I'm sad at the same time.

Um...and since I'm watching American Idol right now I'd like to say that I don't hate...but I do strongly dislike. However, to convey how much I strongly dislike something I'm going to say hate...because lets face it...writing strongly dislike takes more energy than the actual dislike I have, therefore; I hate Ryan Seacrest. I hate him like I hate Paula Abdul and her inability to speak clearly and have a point...and I hate her as much as I hate the Samantha chick from Dancing with the Stars. And I hate her just as much as I hate bad drivers.

What I really love though...is books...and music...like Bryan Adams...and Jason Mraz...actually little does he know we're getting married haha....Jack Johnson....I love snowmen...and sunflowers....and Rome...it is my favorite place. I love the sound of the cello, piano, and violin. Oh and soccer....

p.s. I'm now aware that on random days I shouldn't get on this when I have nothing to say...cuz it gets messy like this :)

I...love...like...desire...enjoy...you?

So...pretty sure I kinda sorta hate talking about feelings, emotions, and all the in between. Why? I dunno. In some cases I consider it to be too girly. Now I know there's nothing wrong with being girly. I love shopping for shoes...I have to have at least thirty different heels...which I have no idea where to keep em. Makeup and sometimes on VERY rare occasions the romantic drama. Maybe when God gave me that part as he was forming me he gave me an extra big piece. I say extra big because I do so well at hiding those things that when they do come out...it's kinda explosive.

Today in the morning:
Emotionally: Content
Feeling: Confident

This afternoon:
Emotionally: uneasy
Feeling: Not so confident

This evening:
Emotionally: Curious
Feeling: Tired

I dunno if writing this down helps...I'll let you know tomorrow :)

New Job New Scenery

For days and days and days I had been miserable at my job at Borders. I absolutely LOVE books and reading and talking to others about books. The management got to be so bad that on a daily basis I was harassed and belittled and threatened by my boss and the sad part, corporate; who is supposed to be there for its employees, didn't care. Then one day my best friend Manda called and told me I needed to put in an application at Les Schwab in Placerville. I did, called and scheduled and interview and got the job all in the same two days! The only downside is that it's 40 minutes away (although I've been getting there in 30). However, I absolutely love it!

Placerville is so beautiful. The mountains are so green and it smells so fresh. I'm naturally a cold weather person. I love the coolness and I think that I would choose a mountain area over the beach any day. I think it's perfect weather if I can wear a t-shirt and jeans and this is what I experience everyday. Most days, I take walks on my lunch and visit the little shops that line the streets. I have a hunch that the whole community knows each other. That the sheriff is an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair, large brimmed hat, and a dog named Hank that rides in the back of his patrol car. The under sheriff is this goofy young guy that tries to hard and takes himself too seriously but gets the job done nonetheless. I guess what I'm saying is it's my kind of place.

I love the job itself. It's very hard right now because I'm new at it and there's so much more to learn, plus I can talk books like no body's business...but tires...yeah that's like asking me to explain why the world is round haha.

New Blog

This is kinda one of my lazy day posts. I'm afraid to stop writing for a while because I'm pretty sure I'll get another comment from my cousin asking where all my posts are...in my head :)

Nothing exciting happened today. I had to work, then I joined my parents for my step mother's mother's birthday. So my stepgrandmother's birthday. I'm now sitting in front of my computer watching CSI, writing my blog and plan on writing another chapter to my blog story. Still untitled but it's about a struggle that a young woman goes through after the loss of her mother and brother. Her determination to remain focused and not blame God. I spent a lot of time on the names. It's very important to me that the meaning of their names help depict what kind of person they're supposed to be. I hope that the reader doesn't go looking them up because I hope that I'll be able to show them who they are.

The blog is called Bookworm but the story remains untitled. I hope you enjoy :)

Dead or Alive

Hey all! It's been a while. I haven't been writing because...I dunno...figured I had nothing to write about. I've been all over the place emotionally and I think it's unwise to go on a rant when upset so I like to calm down. I'm trying to make changes in my life. I'm striving to get a new job because the one I am at I'm being verbally harassed by my manager and corporate doesn't want to do anything to help thier associates. A few of us are preparing to file with the state. It's sad when it has to come to that. People unable to be civilized, and I know I'm not the first or last to be harassed by this individual.



I've started a new train of thought in what I want to do with the rest of my life. In the beginning and for as long as I could remember (and my Mother has not let me forget this) I've wanted to be a doctor. Originally I had planned in double majoring so that I could go work/live in South America helping people medically and spiritually. Last sememster I took a foresnic anthropology class and felt completely comfortable with it. Maybe it was a premed kind of thing but what made it better was that we each had to do a project. To get off topic for a moment...I read this author Iris Johansen and she had a specific character she wrote about who was a forensic sculptor and I had always imagined being able to identify a person with just thier skull....to get back on track I decided that I would do my project in forensic sculpting. I got a skull from my professor and set to work. Actually I didn't actually begin my work until the Thanksgiving vacation week. I was sitting there using identifying markers to determine age, sex, and ethnicity. As it turned out the person I was giving a face to was a 40+ woman with heavy asian ancestery. I measured tissue depth and gave this woman a face. It was so fulfilling and I had so much pride. I was able to give closure to a family. Other factors that one considers when doing a this was COD (cause of death) and I believe mine had died of natural causes or causes that can't be determined by just the skull. There was so many indicators that when I was explaining it to my grandmother (because I was doing this on her kitchen table :) )she asked, look at all this inticiate work, how could there not be a God with this beautiful design?



So now the question remains: Why am I going to school? To eventually work with the living or work with the dead?

Relationships Can Be Easy

First I'd like to say Merry Christmas!

Now I know that this is a weird topic to bring about on Christmas but something happened between me and this guy I'm completely head over heels for. It's been like this for a year but because I can't share my feelings he doesn't know. And I don't plan on telling him. I've watched relationships around me. Most of them are anything but exemplary but there are some things I found out.

Relationships are hard. They're hard with friends, best friends, potential friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships with parents, or sisters. What's constantly drilled into the head of society is that communication is a must. It is. I believe that with all my heart. However, what I think is key, mandatory, realistic, however you want to look at it it is very very important that a couple must make each other fall in love with themselves everyday. This idea was confirmed when I saw 50 First Dates. Even though the woman suffered from Memory Loss every day Adam Sandler's character was forced to try over and over again to make her fall in love. It was a sacrifice for him yes, and though they didn't dwell on it she had a sacrifice as well. The couple had to remake their magic that made them fall in love with each other in the first place. I'm not suggesting that with this idea that not all couples are never going to fight. I have an inkling that it's more likely than one thinks but I think working through it without words that hurt. I think that there are relationships out there that are like this. Consider this a congratulations. I hope the love that brought you together will keep thriving in you for the rest of your time together.

Christmas Eve

Ah Christmas Eve. I love this time of year. Especially watching my little brothers constantly run to my side so that I can show them where Santa is thanks to NORADSANTA.COM. Aaron wants to go to bed right now so that Santa will come. After all he is in Virginia as I type. I myself has finished all the Christmas shopping I can afford at this time. The best news is that I started and finished all in one day. Haha. However, I wasn't at all the type of customer that I got while working this Christmas Season because it drove me Banana Sandwich. I know that it's not what Christmas is about but I do love to see my family open the gifts that I got them. So I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Santa is now in Indiana and I have the Christmas story to read brought to me by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Good Night!

Associate Rant

So I'm a little disappointed in myself. I'll tell you why. My favorite season is fall. I love watching the colors of the leaves turn colors and watching them fall off the trees. I love the weather. I know weird who likes wind rain and cold...but that's me. My most favorite holiday of the year is and always will be Thanksgiving. However, Christmas doesn't fall far from it. What I'm upset about is the fact that I am slowly starting to lose my Christmas Spirit and I know that it all comes down to this...retail. Yes retail. I honestly don't think that I can consciously enjoy Christmas anymore because of retail. I work at a book store. Why? To share my passion for reading. This year I have gotten yelled at, books thrown out, called a warm bodied woman (even though myself and other people have yet to figure out what that means) and talked to like I was retarded. All because A) I couldn't find their book due to the fact that HELLO!!! it's three days till Christmas genius. B) I tried to give them a bigger discount on a book Yes that's right A BIGGER DISCOUNT! C) I didn't have anymore religious children's Christmas books because of our pagan rituals blah blah blah blah. In all honesty I'm there to find your product and if we don't have it I can order. The fact that you WAITED until the very end to get your gift is not my fault. SO STOP THROWING, YELLING, and CALLING ME NAMES.

I know it shouldn't matter much but Christmas is important to me and I want to keep the spirit. Hope your Christmas's are all well!

Right isn't always Right

Today is a great day for me. I got my cast off and I consider this a blessing. I was afraid I'd never have my right hand back again. Don't remember how I obtained this injury? That's ok I barely touched on it from my ABOUT ME spot. I was at the soccer field at college getting ready to play with the guys and very few girls in my class. Me; being the aggressive, unstoppable, and what I thought was invincible and decided to play keeper. I had played previously for the class and which ever team I was on felt overly confident. Which of course increased my ego :) One of the more skilled players on the team took a shot approximately ten feet from my right post. I stuck my hand out blocking the shot but it hurt. So for about a month and a half I just put up with my pain in the wrist. One day at work I was ringing up a customer and I felt intense pain lifting her purchase. My co-worker (Who was insistant on my visiting the Doctor) told me that if I didn't go he'd take me. So la-di-dah I drove to the ER got some weird wrist guard took xrays and such and due to the inflammation couldn't tell if it was broken. So two weeks later I go back redo the xrays and tada broken! In which case I argued with the Doctor about whether or not it was broken. He proceeded to tell me that he was the one with the PhD and so I ceased. While the lady wrapped my wrist I tried to convince her that I didn't need it and ignored her question of what color do I want. I never answered...so she chose...pink :P ugh! Two weeks later I had to go back in and get new xrays in which I convinced the doctor to give me a smaller cast that didn't go past the elbow...and chose blue ;). But now...two weeks later I have my right hand back. There is still pain but I think it's due to sore muscles. After all they haven't been doing much while they were in there. Yes I still played soccer with the broken wrist. I did fall. I did roll. I did get back up and keep playing.

I did have a little fun with the whole cast thing. I tried my creativity by giving everyone who asked a different story about how it happened. From skydiving, bungee jumping, boulder leaping, to fight club, bar fights, rescue stories and even being clumsy. What was interesting though was that I never realized how much I need my right hand. It is the dominant hand but if I was ever to lose it I would be in a lot of trouble. So I practiced writing with my left hand and I must say I have gotten pretty good at it. I just have to keep practicing...and Keep Moving Forward

Slightly More Than A Little Irritated

So basically this is my first blog-thing. I'd just like to point out that though I've technically had this blog for almost a month now the fact that this is my first one has everything to do with the one question that frustrated me out of this entire idea. "How in the world does one follow a blog?" Yes I did know that I didn't need to become a follower to become a writer however I did need inspiration and ideas on how to put what's on my mind on paper...er...well in font I suppose. I'm not a journalist. I'm not a poet, and sometimes I try to convince myself that I am a writer. I have taken many courses on writing and have received high marks as well as suggestions to strive to be a writer I don't know if at this time I should do so. In fact, the whole reason why I have this blog is because my Aunt (my most favorite one, but don't tell because I'll have 10+ who may not be offended but may wonder as to how it happened) had read many of my stories while she was visiting Sacramento. I believe she was visiting the Capital so that she may attend a discussion on adoption\foster houses and their parents. She also said that perhaps this was the best way I could keep in contact with her eldest sons. Ha so here I am. Not as irritated anymore, slightly still frustrated because I couldn't figure this thing out right off the bat...but stepping up to the plate...and still moving forward